Because Valentine's Day is about necking, red roses, and Whitman's Samplers -- and not about making that special someone your creampie cutie for the night, you perverts -- the San Francisco Zoo's annual adult-only "Zoo Sex Tour" has changed its name to “Woo at the Zoo.” Why? No idea. But the zoo tells us: Contrary to common belief, the animals will not “mate on cue” during the Zoo’s adults-only affair (21 years and older),......

Due to the "unusual and extraordinary" Christmas Day tiger attack at the San Francisco Zoo -- which resulted in the mauling death of 17-year-old Carlos Sousa Jr. and wounding of Paul and Kulbir Dhaliwal -- a three-member tiger team formed by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums has been called in to examine the zoo's big cat grotto. While the investigation and renovations are underway, the tigers and lions are currently kicking it indoors.......

According to police reports Paul Dhaliwal admitted to "standing atop a railing of the big cat enclosure and yelling and waving at the animal that would later maul them," killing Carlos Sousa Jr. on Christmas Day at the SF Zoo. The trio, it seems, were also hopped up on mary jane and expensive vodka. Toxicology reports turned up numbers indicating that Paul was especially wasted during the attack. His blood alcohol level was 0.16......

In the battle to see who's going down and who gets what and how much in court, new "evidence" suggests that possibly, maybe, perhaps Tatiana the tiger was provoked. It seems that said proof is in the form of a footprint and blood found inside the tiger enclosure at the SF Zoo. According to the kids down at KCBS: ...a significant amount of blood was found on an exhibit sign inside the tiger enclosure,......

At the bargain price of just $35 dollars down at City Hall this morning, authorities released the emergency 911 tapes of the San Francisco Zoo tiger attacks. The attacks, if you don't remember, occurred on Christmas Day, taking the life of Carlos Sousa Jr. and injuring the now (in)famous Dhaliwal brothers. The footage is raw, with the most unnerving robotic British female voice overlapping the frantic phone call, but to check listen to the......

Well, not "all," per se, but on Monday night Paul Dahliwal, one of the three people involved in the Christmastime tiger attack at the SF Zoo, telephoned Carlos Sousa Jr.'s mother, Marilza, to tell her that he and his chums were "dancing, talking, and laughing" moments before the attack. (Doing the Turkey Lurkey dance, no doubt.) It seems that Paul also told her that they were not taunting the tiger, something that has been......

Tiger attack victim, 17-year-old Carlos Sousa Jr., was mourned last night at the Five Wounds Portuguese National Church in San Jose by hundreds of loved ones. His altar was decorated with a flowers, including Raiders logo. It seems Sousa was an Oakland Raiders fan, reportedly wearing a Marcus Allen Raiders jersey the day he was killed at SF Zoo. According to the Gate, some of Carlos' "friends showed up at the funeral wearing 'In......

Today Gavin Newsom announced that "a series of public hearings on the fatal Christmas Day tiger attack" that resulted in the killing of 17-year-old Carlos Sousa Jr. will start as soon as this Friday. After these hearings, the Recreation and Parks Department Commission will "make a set of recommendations to improve the agreement that allows a nonprofit to run the public zoo." Or something like that. Although it's an attempt to appease the mayor......

Oh my God, you guys, no way. Get this: the New York Post was wrong. What's next: Intelligent Design? Celebrity weddings? Our meth-induced epiphanies that the CIA, in cahoots with the Norteños, are reading our emails and listening in on our phone calls? See, it seems that "[n]o slingshots have been found" and that the NY Post was wrong. And we refuse to believe anything Rupert Murdoch-related is less than perfect. Thankfully, according to......

Damn. Ing. An eyewitness has stepped forward, giving her account of what she supposedly saw on Christmas Day at the SF Zoo. Jennifer Miller, who visited the now infamous park with her husband and two small children, tells the Chronicle what she claims to have seen, just before the Tatiana mauled Carlos Sousa Jr. to death and injured Paul Dhaliwal and Kulbir Dhaliwal. "The boys, especially the older one, were roaring at them. He......

The Dhaliwal brothers, they seem like a couple of nasty little rapscallions. Ruffians, we'll go so far as to say. Why? Because after last week's Christmastime big-cat attack - a mauling that took the life of their "friend," Carlos Sousa Jr. - it seems that at the two brothers "had slingshots on them at the time" - well, at least according to "sources" at the New York Post. (Seriously, aside from aspiring serial killers,......

Uh oh. According to the cats over at the Chron, an "18-page 'Emergency Procedures' manual, written in 2006, spells out what zookeepers, guards and even the receptionist in the main office are supposed to do if a 'Siberian tiger is out of its enclosure' or any other dangerous animal escapes." (It's always the receptionist's fault, isn't it? The fall guys of the modern world, really.) Basically, such emergency procedures as a "Code One" call,......

(Ah, the year of the tiger. OK, month of the tiger. But still.) A reader brings up an interesting point -- thanks, reader! -- who asks, "The boys had it coming. True, but can they be buried/released from the hospital before we start pointing fingers. Did this happen before 24/7 news channels existed?" (S)he makes a good point. Surely something similarly maul-related has happened before at a zoo somewhere, yes? Happened on busier news days......

Not only was Tatiana a gorgeous, majestic, and endangered creature. It seems that she had a special talent for sniffing out liars, too. It has been revealed that the uncooperative, tiger-mauled Dhaliwal brothers received a phone call from Carlos Sousa Sr. on Christmas Day when Carlos Jr. failed to show up for Christmas dinner. The father asked if they knew where his son was and was he with them? The brothers lied, saying that the......

Second verse, same as the first: The San Francisco Zoo will remain closed on Friday, December 28, 2007. Please visit www.sfzoo.org for information as to when the Zoo will reopen to the public. According to their site, the zoo claims to be closed "out of respect for the victims of Tuesday's incidents," although we imagine that their reverence for said tiger attack victims has waned considerably. Just saying. In all reality, the continued closure......

New information about the SF Zoo tiger attack has been released by police chief Heather Fong. Based on information gathered from the two survivors, brothers Paul Dhaliwal and Kulbir Dhaliwal, Carlos Sousa Jr. actually saved one of them from being killed. Apparently, when Tatiana originally went after one of the brothers, Sousa courageously tried to draw her attention away from his friend, which worked (obvi). Fong also clarified that there was indeed no shoe found......

Update: The murdered teen has been identified as Carlos Sousa, Jr. As the investigation continues into Christmas Day's gruesome tiger attack at the SF Zoo, it turns out that the guy killed by Tatiana the tiger was a 17-year-old boy from San Jose. Unidentified at this point, and currently stuck with the moniker "John Doe 116," it seems that he also knew the tiger's two other victims, 19- and 23-year-old brothers from San Jose. The......

(Why, yes, we do plan on running this into the ground. Thank you for asking.) SF Zoo just released an official statement about yesterday's attack, expressing their "deepest sympathy to the family and friends of the victim killed in the December 25, 2007." They also mention that it "is anticipated that the Zoo will reopen tomorrow from 10:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m. For information please visit www.sfzoo.org." While this fatal and accidental meeting of man......

Dr. John Brown of San Francisco General Hospital told Good Morning America today that the two survivors in yesterday's tiger attack (which killed one) are "doing well at the present time. They have both gone through their surgeries well. They're both in stable condition." The two still unnamed tiger attack survivors have suffered from lacerations, large cuts, bite wounds (i.e., puncture wounds) primarily on the head, neck, upper extremities. While the injuries are very......

In this video, zoologist Dave Salmoni demonstrates how to survive a tiger attack. Of course, it does appear that Dave and these tigers are lovers. The demonstration of a "hostile situation" involves a kinky threesome complete with zerberts. The main point in all of this is, don't run. Hey Dave, make sure you steer clear of stingrays. K?......