We have no illusions anyone's going to read this column today what with all this news about Gavin Newsom's affair with his campaign manager's wife -- but we soldier on nonetheless. Last week's winner, the SF Weekly. Matt Smith rails about some kind of corruption at SFO. No, not an affair with your campaign manager's wife. The Apologist is leaving the Weekly -- oh no! The final Apologist -- are you an Apologist for the......

Last week's winner, the SF Weekly. Do you want to be a fill-in copy editor for the Weekly? First question: does fill-in need a hyphen? Also, you must know Quark. We skipped Matt Smith this week, we just weren't up for the hate. The Apologist on traffic. Can we also confess that we don't really get the Ephraim the Track Bike column, though we do love it. Advice on effective protesting. Cover article: a con......

We'll put it on the table right now: any New Times publication's chances of winning this week are greatly diminished due to that dreadful beet puree and goat cheese crap they were serving at their holiday party. It was the worst flavors of dirt, foot, and ass in food form, something so vile that it completely compromises our (heh) objectivity. You have been warned. First up is last week's winner, the SF Weekly. OK,......

...because they're there! OK, last week's winner (we're so sad that Lost in the Fog got scared in the barn before his race, though we're totally going to use that excuse the next time we blow a job interview), the Weekly, starts with a bang with a cover feature on the counterrecruitment movement. Matt Smith cracks us up for the third week in a row, and not just because he talked about Gavin's balls......

Last week's winner, the East Bay Express. East Side Story gets a hug from guru Amma (picture to your right). We can't wait for Jerry Brown's wedding (.pdf, but funny) this Sunday!!! Cover story: the new immigration laws oppress. And Martha Wainwright seems like a nice girl. The Apologist on the Niners tape! Boo yeah! ("What was the most appalling scene? b) The scene with linebacker Julian Peterson posing as a homeless person, with a sign that says, 'Will tackle for food or money.' Last year he didn't tackle for s***." Ha!) Cover article: Mixed-martial arts (also known colloquially as "Ultimate") Fighting (SFist Eve'll love it!). OK Then goes to see the Wallflowers just for his younger sister (awww, sweet!). And Savage Love: men using tampons. The Guardian and the pick of the week, expand-o-tron'ed below....