Made famous to us plebeians not by the names littering the social registry and its many sad suck-ups (an aside: ahem, our rent is due soon, bitches), but by the much-missed former SF Weekly's "Dog Bites" columnist Laurel Wellman, Nob Hill Gazette just landed another beloved local writer, former Chronicle society scribe Catherine Bigelow. She starts today as the top-drawer publication's shiny new Deputy Editor & Society Columnist, working alongside longtime Editor Merla Zellerbach. An......

Tonight, tonight, we need TV tonight... Dog Bites Man, a new mockumentary comedy on Comedy Central--not to be confused with Man Bites Dog, the brilliant 1992 comedic mockumentary about a serial killer--premieres tonight at 10:30 p.m. It's a partly scripted, partly improvised send-up of a local news teams starring Andrea Savage, Matt Walsh, and Zach Galifianakis (a fave comedian of ours). Think "The Office" meets "The Daily Show." It's produced by a former "Da......

We'll put it on the table right now: any New Times publication's chances of winning this week are greatly diminished due to that dreadful beet puree and goat cheese crap they were serving at their holiday party. It was the worst flavors of dirt, foot, and ass in food form, something so vile that it completely compromises our (heh) objectivity. You have been warned. First up is last week's winner, the SF Weekly. OK,......

...because we like big butts and we cannot lie. Looking at the Weeklies splayed out on our desk, it's an endless promise of fun. Let's ruin the illusion and dive right in. Last week's winner, the SF Weekly, sports Harmon Leon's absolutely f**king genius Infiltration of a Promise Keepers meeting. (Did you know that the busiest weekend for strip clubs in Indianapolis isn't during the 500, it's during the PK convention?) This week, no......

...even though you probably have, already. Last week the SF Weekly amused and engaged us for the second week in a row. Will they make this week number three? Let's find out. What do you know? Treasure Island real estate intrigue is cover worthy (we want that button)! Matt Smith is starting to rival Phil Matier as our favorite local reporter (somebody give Matt a regular TV segment, please!) with his piece on our......

...because they're there! OK, last week's winner (we're so sad that Lost in the Fog got scared in the barn before his race, though we're totally going to use that excuse the next time we blow a job interview), the Weekly, starts with a bang with a cover feature on the counterrecruitment movement. Matt Smith cracks us up for the third week in a row, and not just because he talked about Gavin's balls......

Last week's winner, the "locally owned and operated since 1966" Bay Guardian. The Guardian buys out a full-page ad in its own newspaper about the SF Weekly! We love the CLEAR CHANNEL = BUSH, CLEAR CHANNEL = SF WEEKLY thing. The transitive property rules. Everyone's favorite topic, community-choice aggregation of public power. Cover article: A dude who pretended to be a bank. More toilet humor by Dan Leone, and veggie banh mi reviews. SF Jewish Film Fest and an interview with Gus Van Sant (not online). Next up, the SF Weekly -- oh, sorry, we meant to say: the "Clear Channel Spawn of Satan not-authentically-SF" Weekly, our bad. Dog Bites makes fun of the first version of the previously-mentioned ad Bruce Brugman emailed to them, about the Bay "Guard-AIN." Also, a frighteningly-well-designed response (.pdf). Duelling cover articles: fake social security cards and local band the Herms. Also, their club columnist gets into Otis, using nothing more than SF Weekly (sorry, we meant to say "running-dog imperialistic not-authentically-SF Weekly") business cards. We totally need to print out our SFist business cards. The evil scum-sucking not-authentically-SF New Times affiliate East Bay Express and the much-missed voice of reason through all of this alterna-media on alterna-media violence, the SJ Metro, after the jump. Plus, the pick of the week! ...

Last week's winner, the SF Weekly: The Infiltrator goes to the Writing Annex. Oh, Dog Bites -- kicking the Guardian when it's down about the Weekly getting the Warfield named after itself! The fake branded SFBGs are hilar (The "SFBG Hetch Hetchy" is pictured at right). The randy headlines about Badlines are an extra bonus! ("Can Gays Beat Off Bias Claim"'s the best one we can get away with posting.) Cover article: Why does ESPN's Joe Morgan hate the A's Moneyball? SFist Jake, your thoughts? OK Then loves Built to Spill. And Savage Love: pro-choicers dating pro-lifers. Next up, the Hetch Hetchy Bay Guardian! Why haven't the cops caught the people who killed the elderly man in the bathroom of Macy's? (Dude, they know who did it!) Techsploitation about data-hoarding and Grokster. The sex columnist is angry-angry-angry about the female ejaculation debate. Um.... whoa! Dan Leone writes about his 36-inch turd Before you ask: he had a cup of coffee and Indian food the night before. Mad props for the title ("The Longest Yard") and the food covered (pupusas). Cover articles: Bay Area hip-hop, Brazilian post-punk, Swedish psych-prog, and other adjective hyphen-hyphen musical phenomena. The EBX and the pick of the week, after the jump....

Last week's winner, the Bay Guardian. The saga continues! Robert Haaland snipes in the letters column about Matt Gonzalez's snipe in the letters column the week before, about an op-ed by Harvey Milk Club prez Greg Shaw that ran two weeks back. Plus, the world's most excellent article about infighting in the San Francisco left -- someone, please option this for TV! It's totally next season's Lost! They could call it Left! This week's op-ed is by an activist in the leather community about joining the SF People's Organization; we look forward to next week's angry response in the letters to the editor! It doesn't really matter what else is in the paper (but, just so you know, the cover article is about a Russian guy getting deported under bad circumstances, represented by fresh-faced attorney Rocky Tsai.) The Weekly: Matt Smith on bikes. Dog Bites says the SFIFF is badly run, and Ray Ratto uses the prefix "crypto" too often. Cover article: Ostensibly about a bad-boy photographer, but okay, okay, we only looked at the pictures of naked people, is that so wrong? Icelandic chanteuse Emiliana Torrini. (Why isn't her last name something "-sdottir"?) And Savage Love: foot fetishist, panty fetishist, and STDs. The EBX and the weekly of the week, beyond the expandotron. ...

Back to our usual format, guys. We're still working on a pie chart of the weeklies, though! Last week's this week, The Guardian. Yipes, a cover of people flipping you off! Hello, community standards and decency board? Angry letter from Markos of the Daily Kos. Public power's "close relative," community-choice aggregation. We have no idea what that sentence means. Follow up on Is Badlands Bad (now called And Castro For All). Paul Reidinger goes to Jack Falstaff. Cover article: blurbmania about the SF Int'l Film Fest movies. Mary Timony: she's not all about unicorns anymore! The SF Weekly! Dog Bites tries out for Beach Blanket Babylon again. Cover article: challenges facing the SF Conservatory of Music. This Tuesday, Trannyfest is throwing its annual faux king contest (drag queens dress up like drag kings -- genius!). Blurbmania about the SF Int'l Film Fest movies. Meredith Brody goes to Jack Falstaff. And Mary Timony: not all about unicorns anymore! The East Bay Express, the Metro, and -- hey, does anyone want to go to Jack Falstaff with us?...

Is it too early for San Francisco 1999 nostalgia? The NASDAQ was peaking, IPs were O-ing, and those dark blue button-down shirts were so in? Remember when they said the only way you could get an apartment was if you could offer your landlord stock options? Remember the Mission Yuppie Eradication Project? Well, in these wintry economic climes, we miss the go-go 99s -- and we especially miss the ace reporter that covered the whole......

Last week's winner, the East Bay Express. Dream cartoonist outdoes himself with a dream about fighting Lord Vader! Cover article: The Oakland band Heavenly States had a horrible trip to Libya. Hey, Jose Canseco's doing a book signing at the Jack London Barnes and Noble next Monday! SFist Jake, we hope you're there! Was Abbey Lincoln drunk or delusional at her upsetting Yoshi's show last week? And Savage Love: why can't we charge barebackers full cost for anti-viral drug therapies for their victims? The SF Weekly: Matt Smith, being contrarian and pro-business. We never really understand what he's so upset about, but we're sure he's right! Dog Bites: better California quarter designs. Backroom dealings about Indian casinos. Hey! There's an orchestra performance of the music from Final Fantasy (scroll down) next Monday! Cover article: cabaret singer Antony. OK Then had a nice time at the Saturday J. Newsom concert, and, biting the EBX's style from last week, the Weekly also runs an article about metal yoginis High On Fire. Hilarious undercover sting operations in the Guardian and the Weekly of the Week, after the jump. ...

roundup of the Bay Area weeklies...

roundup of the Bay Area weeklies. ...

While we may not be big fans of golf, we are, however, big fans of the Chronicle's golf columnist Brian Murphy. Well, more like big fans of his Weekend Water Cooler column that runs every Monday on ESPN.com's Page 2. He loves the Giants, international football, and drinking Guinness at the Haights' own Martin Mack's- three things that we are definitely down with. Which is why we were saddened to read that yet another Chronicle......

roundup of the Bay Area weeklies (SF only this week, sorry)....

roundup of the Bay Area weeklies...

roundup of the Bay Area weeklies...

...so we can be confused by the punchlines of the cartoons! What pleasures does the Guardian hold? Well, we're not going to lie to you, it's kind of a snoozefest this week. An angry letter from Mabel Teng defending her record! Cover article: will stem-cell research allow us to make human clone robots? (answer: maybe; think about Prop 71). Annalee Newitz on Alexander Graham Bell, the sex columnist rants at some dude who thought she......

roundup of the free weeklies...

summary of the Bay Area weeklies...

Summary of the this week in the Bay Guardian and SF Weekly....