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SFist Watches: Your Locals On Reality TV

Rain Jokinen — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 08:00:04 GMT

This week Marjorie tried to convince herself that she'd try to calm the hell down and not let her nerves get to her, although she was also under the impression that her nerves made her interesting.

Challenge! Paulina tries to teach them how to sell things without words, like pretending that herring smells terrific, or toilet paper is as soft as a feather boa. This lead to the challenge, which was to audition for a commercial. Mark Vanderloo was their acting partner, and they all had to kiss him. He did not seem too thrilled with the kissing. Surprisingly Marjorie did not completely blow it by tripping over a rake and having a bucket fall on her head on her way to kissing the supermodel, and in fact won the challenge. She won a $10,000 shopping spree at G-Star Denim that she shared with Analeigh.

Back at the loft, Marjorie realized she was incredibly horny, and decided to invite the boys that shuffled them around on their go-sees over for wine and ~~sex~~ charades. Soon, Marjorie was making out with a random dude, and then getting into a hot tub fully clothed. Luckily (?), they kicked the boys out before anything truly salacious happened.

SFist Watches: Your Locals On Reality TV

Rain Jokinen — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 09:03:14 GMT

Ah, yes. The go-see episode! Since the models are in Amsterdam, they would, of course, have to go on their go-sees via boat, and they weren't speedboats. Marjorie was nervous, and lost, and most of the people she asked for help with directions totally ignored her, which, can you blame them? A hunchbacked bundle of nerves asks you in a foreign language to help her, the instinct is to pour hot lead on her, right? Or are we remembering that story wrong? Anyway, showing up teary-eyed to her go-sees did not help with first impressions, and the two she made it to just told her to stand up straighter. Wha-wha.

Photoshoot! Tyra wielded the camera for a shoot that required the models to bare it all, face wise. One shot would be clean-face, the other would be made-up face. After the clean-face shot, Tyra decided Marjorie's hair felt "like fur." Fur is murder! Haircut for Marjorie!

SFist Watches: Your Locals On Reality TVr

Rain Jokinen — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 09:00:40 GMT

This week on "America's Next Top Model" this girls flew to AmsterDAAAAAAM, which is in Europe, which means Marjorie and Elina's patented brand of European moodiness would fit right in, right? Once in Amsterdam, the models had to find their new house on their own, in teams of two, "Amazing Race"-style. Marjorie's being European did her no favors as she didn't seem to realize America dollars don't do much good in Holland. (Or here, for that matter. SNAP!) She and Analeigh came in second and celebrated with a naked romp in the hot tub with Elina.

For the first challenge, the girls had to sell themselves in the red light district. Well, unfortunately, not in the true red light district sense, instead selling some clothes from designers who want to turn red light brothels into design studios. Or something. They'd like to think it's quite different, but come on. It's not. Marjorie's freaky poses drew praise, but she did not win the challenge.

Photo shoot! It took place on boat. And that was the extent of the gimmick.

SFist Watches: Your Locals On Reality TV

Rain Jokinen — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 09:02:32 GMT

Omigod, the show begins with Elina talking about how she doesn't show emotion because she's from Europe, and unless you're from Europe, you just wouldn't understand. So this show has taught us that Europeans are a bunch of socially awkward misfits who are afraid to cry. Who knew? Of course, Marjorie totally understands, and when confronted by Samantha with the fact that, like, didn't they move to America when they were little? Elina busted out with tears--the tears that are so hard to express because she is European--over what a hurtful thing that was to say to her. Back at the house the other girls continued to be annoyed by Marjorie and Elina's blaming everything on their European..uh..ness.

Challenge! Ron and Richard Harris, the "Aswirl Twins," were back to teach the girls the art of turning around. The girls had to learn how to sell a variety of accessories through completely cheesy movements, and then were confronted by the nightmarish apparition that is James St. James. They were told they would be part of a fashion show for Nony Tochterman of Petro Zillia in which they'd be "invisible models" through the magic of green screening. They each wore green bodysuits which would make them disappear on video screens. It was both stupid and entertaining. Marjorie's dress fell off halfway down her chest, and she had no idea. Elina won the challenge and took Annaleigh and Marjorie to the prize, a Seventeen photo shoot for the holiday issue. This pissed off Samantha because Elina is an atheist, and therefore hates Christmas.

SFist Watches: Your Locals On Reality TV

Rain Jokinen — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 15:10:24 GMT

"Survivor: Gabon." Previously, Sugar was sent to Exile Island and chilled in her Sugar walls.

Once she returned post-Tribal Council, she was pleased to see Ace was in her new Fang--Carl LaFong--tribe. Chrystal, meanwhile, was sure Sugar had found the hidden Immunity Idol, and vowed to get rid of her.

Later, LaFong spotted an elephant--that had freaky white eyes, mind you--across their pond, and proceeded to stare at it in awe. And then Ace and some guy we can't remember the name of decided to kayak out to it, which didn't seem to be the best idea, although they managed to do it without getting killed. Which is good or bad depending on how you feel about Ace.

SFist Watches: Your Locals On Reality TV

Rain Jokinen — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 11:27:45 GMT

So it should come as no surprise that she was all doom and gloom at the beginning of this week's episode, lamenting the fact that she has no "positive mantra," unlike her chipper housemates, including Analeigh. Marjorie acknowledged that she is a bundle of nerves, and it isn't helping in the competition.

Challenge! Paulina taught the girls that during catalog shoots, it is likely they will have to wear ill-fitting clothes, and the solution to that is shoulder pads, a water bottle, and duct tape. Paulina is the MacGyver of modeling! Marjorie continued her kvetching, realizing she doesn't see the judges as human beings she can relate to. Plus, the pants she had to wear were horrible, which led to some ass-grabbing by Paulina. Perhaps her ass-grabbing was a little too forceful, for soon Marjorie was in tears and trying to explain, in her jumbled-word, awkward-girl way, that she was out of her comfort zone. Paulina seemed to totally get it, proclaiming that Marjorie's behavior was "socially acceptable" in Europe. It's a European thing, y'all.

SFist Watches: Your Locals On Reality TV

Rain Jokinen — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 15:04:56 GMT

Jessica, who is calling herself "Sugar" on the show, introduced herself as a "retro pin-up model," not an actress. So, guessing that's her strategy? Or something? She was picked second, by a photographer, natch, during the team pickin' portion--Team Kota. They got first place in the first challenge, which won them an extra bag of food.

At their camp site, Sugar tried to make light of the fact that they are all surrounded by potentially man-eating animals, and bathing in the lake wasn't going to be happening any time soon.

In the first immunity challenge Team Kota totally kicked Team Fang's asses, winning immunity and flint. But that wasn't the end, because it was a TWO-HOUR premiere. Lordy.

Nothing of much interest happened with shiny happy Team Kota until the Immunity Challenge, which was also for a reward of fishing gear and involved pushing giant balls around a course, getting keys, and unlocking a gate. Kota won and sent Dan from Team Fang to Exile Island.

Obviously, Sugar lucked out in getting picked for her team, and so far, she hasn't done anything egregious. Let's see if she/they can keep it up!

SFist Watches: Your Locals On Reality TV

Rain Jokinen — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 15:35:25 GMT

Previously on "America's Next Top Model" local girl Marjorie didn't do anything memorable.

This week the models came home to find Tyra sitting in their living room wearing a tiara. She demanded everyone open their pretty pink princess bags, don their own tiaras, sit on the floor and eat pizza. It was a princess party! In which Tyra talked about herself. Of course. Her story: She started out doing high fashion but then sprouted boobs and a butt and designers didn't want to work with her unless she lost weight, so she ate pizza and modeled for Victoria Secret instead. See, she MADE OVER her career....meaning, it was time for the model makeovers!

Yaaaaay!

And then Miss J walked in dressed like the scary old lady from Snow White, gave Tyra an apple, which caused her to die, but then Mr. Jay gave her a kiss that revived her, and whisked her out of the room, and WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? (Skip to the 3:40 mark and see for yourself.)

SFist Watches: Your Locals On Reality TV

Rain Jokinen — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 12:51:58 GMT

Post-lesson the girls played truth or dare in the hot tub. Marjorie was nowhere to be found. But there was some drama between Alaskan Hannah and transgenered Isis. Oh, did we not mention Isis before? Well, she's not from around here, but man, do we wish she were. She's the first technically non-female on the show, but she's certainly not the first model to rock the tranny look. (DOMINQUE! Oh, and JASLENE!) She's also incredibly sweet, and a pretty good model, and it's a shame ignorant asses like Hannah and Clark With No E are causing drama. Luckily, she seems to have found a friend in Analeigh, who is from Sacramento, which puts her on the cusp of localdom. We'll keep our eyes on her.

Challenge time! The girls had to pose "unobviously" with jewelry and handbags by Tarina Tarantino. Again, Marjorie's poses weren't shown.

Back at home, Hannah was accused of being racist and Marjorie attempted to defend her a bit but it was all kind of silly and blown out of proportion. Granted, Hannah has some issues that can not entirely be blamed on being from a small town (which she is constantly pointing out and which--WE GET! So stop it already). But everyone just needs to calm the f down.

Photo shoot! The girls were to continue the "unobvious" posing theme by hanging off the ladder of a hot air balloon, but when it came to shooting, it was too windy to control the balloon, so the girls clung to a ladder hanging from a crane. About three feet off the ground. Terrifying! Marjorie was last, and seemed to do good, for all of the three seconds she was featured.

Judgement time! The judges loved Marjorie's photo, and yes, it did rock, but in front of the judges her nerves came out again. Luckily, she didn't actually have to speak. Her photo wasn't the top this time, but it was closer to the top than the bottom, so she is still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model.

Next week: MAKEOVERS!

SFist Watches: Your Locals On Reality TV

Rain Jokinen — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:33:05 GMT

With the fall TV season upon us, we were looking forward to a new batch of reality TV locals to ~~make fun of~~ cover. First up was "America's Next Top Model" contestant Marjorie, and she brought much to mock in the season premiere. But, alas, our boyfriend TiVo decided he'd had enough of that show, and erased it before we had a chance to re-watch it for a recap. But we can tell you this: She is originally from France, came to San Francisco when she was seven or eight, and was home-schooled. French, San Francisan, AND home-schooled. To say the chick is a tad awkward is an understatement! She was totally dumbstruck when put alone in a room with Nigel, and when she does talk, she does way too much hand waving. And she also has a tendency to look like this:

But she can take an occasional good picture, and was actually "awarded" best photo of the challenge. She is therefore still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model. Lucky us!

SFist Watches: Your Locals On Reality TV, Pt. 1

Rain Jokinen — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 10:10:17 GMT

Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Marvita got boned.

In the Top Model Lair, Marvita confessed that she can't stay in relationships for long, and doesn't do the whole kissing and holding hands thing. She realizes it has a lot to do with her past molestation and rape, of course, so if she doesn't want to hold hands and make-out, who can blame her?

The Tyra Crawl said something about "3 C's," so the chicks headed out to a warehouse and were met by Benny Ninja, the "posing instructor." He was accompanied by supermodel Vendela, and they learned that the three C's of posing are commercial, cat walk, and couture. And also catalog, which really makes it four C's. One would think that commercial and catalog would be the same thing, but they kept making the models pose as if it were different, so who the hell knows. Marvita looked like she was posing for an ad about stomach cramps.

SFist Watches: Your Locals On Reality TV, Pt. 1

Rain Jokinen — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 10:00:57 GMT

Previously on "America's Next Top Model," local hopeful Marvita got a horse 'do.

The Tyra scrawl crawl told the girls to "turn up the heat or they'll get hosed." So they went to a firehouse where Miss J. told them to get dressed quick like bunnies into sexy firefighter outfits so some sexy firefighters could judge their walks. WHAT?! Marvita has issues with not moving her arms, kinda like the character Molly Shannon played on "Seinfeld." Fatima's walk was atrocious. And Amis skipped. NO idea why any of that had to happen in a firehouse.

Back at the house Marvita got mad at Amy because Amy doesn't like showering in front of other people, and thus prefers her bathroom time to be alone time. And somehow this led to Fatima yelling at Whitney. THESE WOMEN MAKE NO SENSE.

Breaking News: Twiggy Escapes ANTM

Brock Keeling — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 15:19:32 GMT

Thank God. Really, thank you, God. Since it's next to impossible to remove producer and star Tyra Banks from America's Next Top Model -- we understand the difficulty in smiting a soul that clearly sprang forth from ninth circle of hell -- at least you have the mercy to replace the sweetly boring Twiggy with the exotic and more straight-heterosexual-male-friendly Paulina Porizkova.(Yay!) Now that the show has been reduced from a grotesque display of jarring anorexia to that of an inane, feel-good beauty pageant, we hope this move makes a dent in the direction that this show has taken. (Models going green? A cigarette-free Top Model house? Just vile.)

Ta ta, Twigs. Welcome to a Tyra-free life, you sweet British bore.